I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
