I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize