I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
