Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
