tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
