He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
