You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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