Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize