My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
