the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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