if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
