i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize