Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
