oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
