I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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