I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
