: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
