Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I just blew my weed a kiss
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
