The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
