The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
