I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
