u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
