I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
