Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize