Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
