no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
