Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
love makes seman taste better
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
