I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize