if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
