Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i think my mom watched the whole time
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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