last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize