1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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