Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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