Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize