the condom got lost in my hair
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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