Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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