Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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