I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
