I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize