I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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