I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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