Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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