Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
