bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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