Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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