enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
