i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
