I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
