Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
