Please, let me fuck your mom
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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