Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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