I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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