never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
