i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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