So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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