peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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