Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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