Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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