I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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