She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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