I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
